jeudi 22 octobre 2009

Guess its been awhile....

So, as the title suggests, its been a while. But tonight I felt the urge to let some crap out. I've been ruminating again. Like that old cow that sits chewing the cud in a field. I sure been chewing the cud. The cud being the realization that I am fundamentally pointless. As in, I am doing sweet F.A. with my life, and as such, whats the point. I don't wish to alarm anyone but there have been, what are clinically termed, 'suicidal thoughts'. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. Yes I have considered killing myself at some point in the future, but not from any hatred of myself. Its because I believe that with all that I have been given I should do something with it. Also because I feel that that is what humans should do. All animals have their place and function in Gaia (and yes, I am a Gaia believer) and humans should do the same, in whatever culture they find themselves in. I find myself in an industrial, capitalist society that thrives on the 'Protestant ethic'. Doing what you can to at least assuage your, and yours, idea of what constitutes uselfulness. I am not doing that. My parents have worked their socks off to achieve the life that I now enjoy. Both came from working class or upper working class families that did not necessarily encourage free thinking and tolerance and yet my parents are both posterchilds of just that. And thank God for them. Yet, I still find myself languishing in cut rate jobs that have little to do with the (many) top grade educations I have received. Even being a mother would please me no end. Luckily, this society has just about clung on to the acknowledgement that having children and raising them to be good people is a valued choice. But (and I hate those buts) I don't even have the hope that I can be the person who finds someone with whom having children is not something that appals. So what the fuck am I going to do? I'm too damn lazy to ever get my ass in gear to bloody do something (so far anyway) and yet I do not want to just 'exist' in this halfway house of an existence. And if I can't at least be a mother to someone then whats the point? And that is why the thought of suicide sometimes enters my head. But its not a bad thing. I hope you see what I mean by that, Why just exist? Why just keep on going for the sake of it, taking space and resources when you can't even pass it on?

2 commentaires:

Naomi Penn a dit…

I'm so glad to see you back here, dear Lyca, but sorry to hear you've been troubled... I wish I could go for a cup of tea with you and verbally masticate over all this!

Are you applying for jobs and not getting responses? Because you shouldn't take that personally. We are the unlucky generation that finished uni only to find that there were fewer jobs than ever, and the ones we can get, we tend to be overqualified for -- unless you go East that is. I hear the same sadness about lack of job success from so many friends in the UK. Again, it's not you. It's the situation.

If it's that you're not certain what you actually want to do yet, that's ok too. We should all be flexible with ourselves, throughout our lives. It'll come to you. Just keep doing the things you love doing for now, finding those enjoyments in life everyday: reading, your pets, time with friends, walks around your favourite parts of the city, etc.

As for being a mother, I can totally relate to that. I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone either to have children with. But I still plan on having at least one child regardless, whether my own or thru adoption or fostering. So there are those avenues.

Anyway, hope none of this was overly trite or anything. Miss you.

Miss Anne Throp'ist a dit…

I, like Naomi, got very excited to see that you'd updated, but I wish it was with happier subject matter.

Am glad that you're communicating about it though, much better than keeping it all locked in, and I hope you know that you can always talk to us about this. I'm actually available for ruminating over cups of beverages. Me: 1; Naomi: 0. Ha!

I definitely can empathise a lot- I feel like I'm at this weird crossraods in my life where I ought to be deciding what I want to do, but don't have a fucking clue. And it's easy to take the crappy jobs (that sadly don't pay all that much) because they don't involve too much of a commitment, but I guess long term it's not a great idea.

And I know it's easier said than done, but maybe it isn't something you should stress out about too much. Not everyone takes the same path. I met so many people while travelling who work for say 6 months of the year and spend the rest of the time travelling. It's an amazing lifestyle and an attractive option to me! So I think that there are definitely other options than buying into the Protestant ethic... maybe I'm just using critiquing capitalist society as an excuse to bum around, but I don't think that's all it is. If that's not what you want to do, and you can make an alternative work for you, then why not?

Are you applying for other jobs atm? I know once you feel that you're in a rut it's quite hard to break out of it, and you work so much it must be hard to even find time to look for other jobs. At least at the moment you are working, even if it's not in an ideal job. And you've got the trip to Korea to look forward too!

And since I need to get my lazy butt in gear too we could definitely work on job apps together. There are some cool jobs out there to be found, and I reckon we'd probably want to apply for some quite similar stuff.

And real jobs are for when you DO have kids! I mean I guess we should enjoy the fact that we don't have too many responsibilites right now. It is ok to do crap jobs in order to save up for travelling or whatever, or to try out different jobs, to work abroad for cash rather than a career...

I kind of know what you mean re: kids. I guess I kind of thought I knew the shape that my life would take, and it turns out I SO don't. I'm not 100% sure I do want kids, but definitely don't know if I'd ever like anyone enough to want to have kiddies with them. But like Naomi said there's always options... and maybe fostering or adopting would be more satisfying. Not to mention you are way to young to be fretting about not having a path to kiddies yet!

If you do want to chat about this or about anything really, let me know when you're free. Or you can always call me up for a good old rant!