Guess its been awhile....

So, as the title suggests, its been a while. But tonight I felt the urge to let some crap out. I've been ruminating again. Like that old cow that sits chewing the cud in a field. I sure been chewing the cud. The cud being the realization that I am fundamentally pointless. As in, I am doing sweet F.A. with my life, and as such, whats the point. I don't wish to alarm anyone but there have been, what are clinically termed, 'suicidal thoughts'. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. Yes I have considered killing myself at some point in the future, but not from any hatred of myself. Its because I believe that with all that I have been given I should do something with it. Also because I feel that that is what humans should do. All animals have their place and function in Gaia (and yes, I am a Gaia believer) and humans should do the same, in whatever culture they find themselves in. I find myself in an industrial, capitalist society that thrives on the 'Protestant ethic'. Doing what you can to at least assuage your, and yours, idea of what constitutes uselfulness. I am not doing that. My parents have worked their socks off to achieve the life that I now enjoy. Both came from working class or upper working class families that did not necessarily encourage free thinking and tolerance and yet my parents are both posterchilds of just that. And thank God for them. Yet, I still find myself languishing in cut rate jobs that have little to do with the (many) top grade educations I have received. Even being a mother would please me no end. Luckily, this society has just about clung on to the acknowledgement that having children and raising them to be good people is a valued choice. But (and I hate those buts) I don't even have the hope that I can be the person who finds someone with whom having children is not something that appals. So what the fuck am I going to do? I'm too damn lazy to ever get my ass in gear to bloody do something (so far anyway) and yet I do not want to just 'exist' in this halfway house of an existence. And if I can't at least be a mother to someone then whats the point? And that is why the thought of suicide sometimes enters my head. But its not a bad thing. I hope you see what I mean by that, Why just exist? Why just keep on going for the sake of it, taking space and resources when you can't even pass it on?